issue 13: oct 2016, Narratives, Sula Journals
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Sula Journals: Raz

The first time I contemplate suicide I am twelve on my grandmother’s balcony, the only non-white person in a small town in south Poland. The words ‘white power’ are graffitied onto a wall around 50 metres from where I sit.

I look down at the road below me. I look at the cars passing. I am the only non-white person in a small town in south Poland.

I look down at the road below me. I am too young to know that a fall from this balcony wouldn’t’ kill me.

I ask my mother why people stare at me here. She tells me I look exotic to them. I do not understand. Until this moment I thought I was white. My grandfather was still alive then.

Two years later I return to Poland. This time as I sit on the balcony I have a cigarette. I look down at the road below me. I look at the cars passing. I am the only non-white person in a small down in south Poland. I am still suicidal.

Three years later I am at home, drunk, and transgender. I am still suicidal. My grandfather has just died. “You have to come to Poland,” comes a call from my mother. I kill myself.

Or I try to. I go to hospital. I live. I do not go to Poland that year.

One year later I return to Poland. I have a cigarette on the balcony. Six years have passed since I first wanted to kill myself, and one year has passed since I tried to. I am the only non-white person in a small town in south Poland.

I look up at the stars above me.

This is a work in progress.


 

Raz is part of Sula Collective’s staff and is a genderfluid chinese-slavic cookery hoe who loves… fashion… dim sum…. and is perpetually covered in cat hair. You can find Raz on twitter and instagram.

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