Essays, issue 9: june 2016, Multi-media
Comments 3

the self-questioning of individual feeling and sexuality by Oyinda

part 2part 3

In a society where the minority is heavily underrepresented, it’s easy for feelings to become invalidated, especially when the sparse representation of girls loving girls in the media is usually followed by some form of tragedy. Furthermore, growing up in a religious family and going to church every Sunday, has meant being surround by people who believe there is something “wrong” with a person who is non-heterosexual. That we need saving, that the love and desire that we may feel is artificial, that any love between two people of the same sex/gender is a manifestation of devil; that non-heterosexual love is tainted by dirt.

This three-part series is the thought process of coming to terms with particular feelings and emotional responses to women I’m attracted to. The doubt and the questioning parts are sections of my subconscious; the parts that are governed by a form of truth I’ve been fed by religion and certain parts of the media. Whereas the other parts are my own truth, a pure form of feeling trying to overcome the uncertainty and the feeling of immorality.

In all honesty, I still haven’t come to terms with my sexuality. There are days when I’m comfortable being all of myself and there are days where I just want to douse parts of myself in bleach. I think it’s difficult being non-heterosexual and coming from an African background because I’ve been thought that we don’t feel these things and that we don’t do these things, but what I’ve come to learn is that your being shouldn’t be governed by expectations or “realities”. Individual feeling is pure and simple, an authentic form of truth as it isn’t defined by the outside world.


 

Oyinda is a 17 year old Nigerian girl living in London, England. She is a writer and part of Sula Collective’s staff. You can find her on tumblr and instagram

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