Introducing a new weekly column/section, Sula Journal, this is the first entry of many by Sula Collective artist Saffa (who thought up this column!) who writes about her current feelings and latest discoveries. Every Sunday, a Sula Collective staff member will post a reflective blog post/diary entry in any form they want.
Sunday 17th April 2016.
Keeping myself busy with job after job has been a good coping mechanism for me the past few months, but now I’m ridiculously exhausted & keep finding myself feeling hopeless most nights, praying to a higher power and wondering whether someone is even listening to me or whether I am just wasting my time and breath.
“Lets talk about feelings.”
So here I am.
A lot of things happened this month:
- My parents went back to our homeland after eight years of separation from their families & loved ones. I wish I could have gone with them. I wish I had gone home.
- I am working day & night just so I don’t have to answer anyone’s questions, however my body is not cooperating and I feel like my skin is going to melt off, exposing all the secrets engraved in my flesh.
- Watching old Bollywood films is oddly satisfying and I found myself singing along to some of the songs, even when I couldn’t remember watching them before.
- It’s incredibly heartbreaking not being able to talk to your mother about your life in the different city, about your sexuality, not being able to discuss your views on the world or talk about the future. I guess I’ve also been watching too much Gilmore Girls.
- Being a student sucks. Being an adult also sucks. Being the only brown girl out of 60 students on my course, in my academic year sucks even more.
Some things I’ve loved and discovered this month:
- This Youtube channel: Saimastyleslike – Thank you for being so brilliant & reassuring me that getting my septum pierced will not be a decision I’ll regret.
- This song: Maya’s Theme by Mychael Danna – I’ve only recently watched Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love (1996) because I’m slowly but surely going through Rekha’s filmography and I came across this song on the soundtrack. I would be lying if I said I didn’t shed a tear. It’s a wonderful feeling when you accidentally come across a lovely piece of music that you had heard as a child but never really understood what it was/where it was played, so it just lingered in the background of your childhood memories.
- This project: PANTONE PALETTES – “I understand photography as a dialogue from personal to global; like a game in which the personal and social codes are put at stake to be reinvented, a continuous flow between the photographer and the photographed, a bridge between masks and identities. For this reason, I raises my work as a tool of exploration, questioning and searching for identity, for each own and others.” – Angelica Dass
Saffa Khan is a queer visual artist from Pakistan, now based in Manchester, who enjoys primary colours, photobooths, her mother’s biryani, elephant ears plant & making zines. You can find more of her work on instagram, twitter, and site.